


Murphy's Law

by skellingfish



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Bubble Bath, Dinosaurs, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Sharing a Bed, am I checking all the boxes for slow burn, because that is my goal, graphic amounts of cuddling
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-19
Updated: 2018-03-23
Packaged: 2018-12-31 11:03:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 17,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12131058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skellingfish/pseuds/skellingfish
Summary: And oh god, was that something moving? Yeah it was Evan could see something outside through the window, scrabbling at the locks. A burglar? A murderer? He didn’t know which was worse. At least he’d be put out of his misery if it was a murder. If it was just someone looking for stuff to steal then he’d have to explain that they didn’t have anything valuable in the house. There was the twenty dollars Heidi had left on the counter, but that didn’t seem like nearly enough and god that would be so embarrassing having to just hand over twenty dollars after the trouble someone had gone to breaking in and all.Also known as: Connor Murphy tumbles into Evan's life via his window.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> brief mention of vomit. its really not that bad I promise.

Evan sat up in bed, his fists clenching tight in the folds of his blankets. Yes, there it was again. A scratching at his window. And oh god, was that something moving? Yeah it was he could see something outside, scrabbling at the locks. A burglar? A murderer? He didn’t know which was worse. At least he’d be put out of his misery if it was a murder. If it was just someone looking for stuff to steal then he’d have to explain that they didn’t have anything valuable in the house. There was the twenty dollars Heidi had left on the counter, but that didn’t seem like nearly enough and god that would be so embarrassing having to just hand over twenty dollars after the trouble someone had gone to breaking in and all. 

The window slid open and the figure fell in accompanied by the sound of muffled swearing. 

“Fuck, what the hell?”

“C-can I help you?” Evan cursed himself for sounding so scared. And who would say can I help you when their house was being broken into? Now he’d really done it, the thief would probably think he was a freak or something. 

The stranger looked up, squinting even though it was dark. “Who are you?” he asked. 

“Evan. Evan Hansen,” Why had he given his real name? Jeez, it was one mistake after another tonight. “Uh, if you’re going to kill me, please make it quick?”

“What? I’m not here to kill you. I'm trying to go home,” The boy’s voice was slurred around the edges.

“I think you might have the wrong house.”

“Right, sorry,” he turned back to the window, stumbling back over to it. He grasped the sill, ready to swing a leg over. 

“You can always take the stairs, i-if you want?” Evan said. 

The boy paused. “I think that might be a good idea. God, my parents are going to kill me.”

He stood up quickly, swung around, and his expression suddenly changed to one of growing concern.  
“Oh, uh, do you have a bathroom? I think I’m about to throw up.”

Evan scrambled out of bed, grabbing the boy by the sleeve and tugging him down the hall to the tiny bathroom he and his mother shared. He didn’t quite make it to the toilet, instead falling to his knees with one hand clasping the rim of the tub and vomiting all over the tiled floor. 

“Shit, sorry man,” he spluttered, coughing. Then he lunged forwards the throw up in the toilet. Evan’s hands were shaking, but without thinking he reached forward to pull the boy’s long brown curls out of his face. The stranger didn’t seem to react, probably too out of it to even notice. 

“Thanks,” the he said, straightening up. "I can help you clean up.”

“No, don’t w-worry about it. Should you be getting home?”

Oh jeez, that made it sound as if Evan wanted him to leave. Well, he did want him to leave. But that seemed really rude to say. Then again puking all over a stranger’s bathroom was pretty rude too. 

The boy made his way over to the sink, holding on to the sides for support as he rinsed his mouth out with the water. 

“I don’t really know if I can go home. I’ll probably just sleep in my car.”

“Your car? Why can’t you go back to y-your house?” Evan asked.

“My dad’s gonna kick my ass,” He pulled a face in the mirror, poking out his tongue. “I’m gonna probably have to climb the tree to get in.”

Evan’s heart sank. He couldn’t just let him go off like this. The kid could barely walk let alone scale a tree. He knew what he had to do.  
“You can stay here, if you want. My mom won’t be coming home until the morning, and you can text your parents and tell them you’re having a sleepover or something.”

“Ha, like they’ll believe that. No one would want to hang out with _me_." The boy's face fell, still looking into the mirror. “Everyone at school knows I’m a freak.”

“W-well, we probably go to the same school, right? You’re not in college, are you? What’s your name?”

“Connor Murphy,” he said, almost as if it was being pulled from him. If possible, Evan’s heart sank even more. He knew Connor. Well, knew _of_ him. Everyone at school did. But somehow Evan hadn’t managed to connect the face to the reputation.

“I’m Evan Hansen,” he said, to fill the gaping silence more than anything. 

“I know, you said. Never heard of you though.”

“N-not many people have.”

“That’s a good start. Being infamous isn’t all that great.” Connor turned around, leaning against the counter. “Were you serious about me staying over?”

Evan nodded. “Yeah, if you need it. You don’t seem like you’re in a great place.”

“That’s for sure,” he said, more to himself than to Evan. “Honestly I wish I’d fallen out of that tree instead of climbing in here. With luck it would have killed me.”

“Don’t say that,” said Evan, rubbing at his cast self-consciously. “Why don’t you take a shower while I clean up. You’ve got vomit down your front.”

Connor looked down, frowning. “You’re right. Thanks, Hansen. I appreciate this.”

He started to unzip his sweatshirt, shrugging it off his shoulders. Evan quickly turned his back when he realized Connor wasn’t wearing anything underneath.  
“L-Let me run and grab you some clothes,” he said, making a hasty exit and shutting the door behind him. He grabbed a pair of sweats from a drawer and waited until he heard the shower running to knock. Steam was already filling the room, fogging up the mirror. Leaving the clothes on the counter, Evan set about cleaning up the puke, listening to Connor humming from behind the shower curtain. 

“I’ll be in my room when you’re done,” he said when he’d finished. “It’s just down the hall, I don’t know if you remember.”

Connor stopped humming. “I do. I'm almost done.”

While he waited, Evan tried to draft a text to his mom. 

_Hey mom. This drunk guy climbed through my window and I let him stay the night._

He quickly deleted it and started again. 

_Hey mom. The psycho from my school is in our shower._

No, not that either. 

_Hey mom. I have a friend over. Sorry I forgot to let you know._

He sent it, and jumped as Connor pushed the door open. The sweatpants were too short on his long legs. Somehow he made them look like baggy couture the way they fit the curves of his hips. His shirt rode up on his stomach, exposing a sliver of pale skin and making Evan swallow hard. He slid off the bed. 

“Here, come lie down. You can have the bed.”

“I hope you don’t mind, I borrowed a hair band,” Connor said, sinking onto the mattress with a creak. His long curls had been tied up in a topknot on his head. Evan was suddenly very ashamed of his rocket ship bedspread as he watched the other boy curl beneath the covers.

“I’ll j-just be downstairs if you need me,” Evan said. He made for the door, pausing when he heard Connor shift on the bed. 

“Hey Hansen,” he said, his voice softer this time. When Evan turned he saw Connor’s eyes beginning to flicker. “Thank you. Really. I don’t know what I would have done tonight if I hadn’t found you.”

“It’s nothing,” Evan said, and shut the door softly behind him. But as he made his way to the couch, Connor’s words kept echoing in his head. 

_Honestly I wish I’d fallen out of that tree instead of climbing in here._

_With luck it would have killed me._

_I don’t know what I would have done tonight if I hadn’t found you._


	2. Chapter 2

Evan awoke on Sunday to the sun streaming through the crack in the curtains and hitting him squarely in the eyes. He’d shut them last night. He always closed the curtains when he was alone, never quite able to get over the fear that someone would be watching him from outside. Maybe they’d be waiting to come in the house. And kill him. Or worse, rob him. 

Wait. Someone _had_ come in the house.

He sat bolt upright, scrambling up and taking the stairs two at a time. He waited outside his door for a few seconds and took a deep breath to steady himself. Then he pushed the door open, wincing as it creaked. 

The bed was empty. Messy, but empty. Evan swallowed hard. It couldn’t have been a dream, could it? He remembered so clearly scrubbing puke off the floor. That kind of vivid detail didn’t usually come with dreams. 

He opened the door the rest of the way, looking around for any signs that someone else had been there. There was nothing out of place. Nothing missing. 

Rubbing sleep from his eyes, Evan turned and made his way down the hall to the bathroom. This was all so wild. What he needed was a nice hot shower to clear his head. 

Evan had never even talked to Connor Murphy before. He had no idea why he’d be in his dream. He knew his sister of course, everyone knew Zoe. And just like everyone else of _course_ he’d had a crush on her. He pumped the shampoo bottle, which coughed up a pathetic amount of soap and gave up. There had been more in there yesterday, he was sure. But he’d taken showers so often he could’ve been wrong. There was something calming about the sense of water over his skin. He could ground himself in the shower, which was something he had such trouble doing elsewhere. It was easy to focus on reality, and although he was in his own head at least this way he had some semblance of control of where his thoughts wandered.

Once he’d rinsed his hair, he turned off the water and reached for a towel. He wiped water from his eyes and looked up, his eyes catching on the foggy mirror. 

Oh. _Oh._ Someone had been here. There was a little drawing in the lefthand corner. It was what looked to be a rough drawing of a dragon. Maybe a lizard? Evan couldn’t tell. But he knew for sure he hadn’t put it there. It hadn't been there when he’d showered yesterday either, and Heidi had yet to come home. 

He almost to reached out to wipe it away, but stopped himself, letting himself smile just a little. 

_I guess it wasn’t a dream after all._

 

* * *

 

“Hey Evan,” Jared came up behind him, slapping him on the back. “Thanks for putting the good word in with my parents last weekend. I got a trip to Lush for letting you come over on Wednesday.”

“I don’t know why you like it there so much anyway,” Evan said, frowning. “Baths are just sitting in dirty water.”

“Well we can’t all be clean freaks like you. Plus, there’s like, soap, in bath bombs. At least, I think there is. If you’d just let me take you—“

“No,” he said firmly. This was not Jared’s first offer of taking him to Lush. “I don’t take baths.”

Jared looked like he was about to say something snappy in response, but stopped and frowned. “That’s not yours, is it?”

Evan tugged on the strings of Connor’s sweatshirt and shook his head. He’d found it on the bathroom floor and washed it. “No, a friend left it at my house.”

“A _friend_? Please,” Jared snorted a laugh. “Don’t tell me you’ve got one of those now.”

“Well, he’s not really my friend I guess.”

“That’s what I thought. The day Evan Hansen finds a friend will be a surprise indeed.”

Blushing hard, Evan looked at the floor. “You’re my friend.”

“ _Family_ friend. There’s a difference. Who is this mystery man anyway?”

He opened his mouth to respond, but something had caught Jared’s eye. His attention had already moved on. Following his gaze, Evan swallowed hard. It was Connor.

He looked a little worse for wear, given the past weekends adventures. Evan was still impressed though, he knew if he’d been climbing trees at two in the morning he would have looked like a zombie for the following week. Apparently Jared had different thoughts.

“He looks awful,” he said, his voice low.

“I don’t think so,” Evan said, and stopped when he realized Connor was coming over to them. 

Jared saw it too. “That’s my cue to exit. I’d rather not give him an excuse to kill me first when he shoots up the school.”

“Hey, that’s a little—“ 

Jared was already gone. Connor stopped in front of him, his hands in the pockets of an identical black sweatshirt.

“That’s mine,” he said, gesturing to Evan’s jacket. Evan nodded, shrugging it off quickly. “Here, I didn’t want to lose it. My mom always says if you don’t want to lose something you should keep it on you, like rings. But I guess a sweatshirt is different. I hope you don’t mind,” He realized he was rambling and stopped. 

Connor laughed. It was a dry laugh, a little humorless. But Evan liked it. 

“I don’t mind,” he said, taking the coat. “Thanks for washing it. I have your sweats at home, but my mom got ahold of them and threw them in with the laundry.”

“It’s okay.”

They stood in the comparative silence of the school hall as Evan searched for something more to say. 

“So, we might have a slight problem,” Connor said finally. “You know how you said I should tell my parents I was at a friend’s house?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, I don’t have many friends. Or any at all really,” Evan liked the confidence with which Connor spoke. He wished he could be that up front about being a loser. But it made him a little sad too.

“Anyway,” Connor continued. “She invited you over for dinner this week. I tried to stop her but she’s insisting. And I get if you don’t want to tell anyone or be seen with me or whatever, but could you do me one last favor to get her off my back. Then I promise you’ll never have to speak to me again and we can put this whole thing behind us.”

“It’s okay,” said Evan. “I really don’t mind. My mom’s out of the house a lot so I don’t really eat with other people that much. Are you sure you want your parents to meet me though? Won’t they be a little disappointed that your mysterious new friend is such a… loser?”

Connor shook his head. “Not in the slightest. Is Wednesday night okay? I should warn you, my mom’s serving gluten free lasagna.”

Evan nodded. “I think it would be fine. I don't mind gluten free stuff.”

He gave Evan a look. “Hansen, I feel like you don’t understand. It’s foul. I can promise. But if you’re sure, I’ll pick you up after school on Wednesday.”

“I’m sure,” Evan said, tugging at the hem of his shirt. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been invited over by someone who wasn’t Jared’s mom.

“Alright, I’ll see you then,” said Connor, turning away with the sweatshirt in one hand. He watched until the tall boy had rounded the corner at the end of the hall. The bell rang, spurring Evan into action. He slammed the door to his locker and hurried to his next class, pushing thoughts of Connor and their adventure together out of his head.

 


	3. Chapter 3

Connor had a bigger room than Evan. It was surprisingly clean, without much decoration or personality. He stood, looking around for a moment while Connor shut the door behind them. 

“You can sit down,” he said. “My bed won’t bite. Sorry, it’s a little messy.”

Evan took a seat on the edge of the bed, watching Connor cross the room to fling himself down beside him. He noted that Connor had little dinosaurs on his covers and felt a little better about his own spaceship themed sheets. 

“So,” he said.   
“So,” said Connor.

“You like dinosaurs,” said Evan. He winced. Of all the things he could have said, why that?

“Yeah, you could say I'm a casual fan. They’re pretty cool I guess. What about you? Are you a dinosaur kid?”

Evan shook his head. “No. They scare me. One time I went to the natural history museum in D.C. and I saw the giant skeleton there and jeez it scared me so bad I couldn’t sleep at all that night and I had to get my mom and we just watched reruns of a show about patching up old tattoos. It was called Ink Masters or something.”

“What? I didn’t realize that show was so old.”

He blushed hard, immediately regretting what he’d said. “This was, uh, yeah this wasn’t that long ago. I was a freshman I think.”

Connor’s eyes widened. “Oh my god that’s the saddest fucking thing.”

“Yeah, it kind of is I guess. I’m alright with them now but for awhile I hated dinosaurs.”

“I’ll be sure to change my sheets for the next time you come over,” Connor said. Then he coughed uncomfortably. “If you come over again. Sorry. I know this whole situation is probably freaking you out.”

“No it’s fine. Most things freak me out. This isn’t too unusual.”

“Yeah what’s your deal? Are you like perpetually terrified or something?”

Evan looked away. “I, uh, I have anxiety. It’s not as bad as it used to be. But I guess that’s why I don’t have any friends. I’m not great at talking to people.”

“You seem fine to me.” 

“R-really? You think this is normal?”

Connor laughed again. It was just as humorless as it had been when he’d first met Evan. His face took on that slight far away look that it did when he was about to say something self deprecating. 

“Right, I wouldn’t know what’s normal. The only people I talk to are my parents and my therapist. Though I guess you’re in there too now so welcome to the club I guess.”

“H-honored to be a part of it.”

There was a sharp knock on the door which made Evan jump. Connor smiled at that, the corners of his mouth pulling out slightly. Zoe stuck her head around the door. 

“Dinner’s ready. Mom says to hurry up and get drinks for everyone.”

“Hi Zoe,” Evan said, and was immediately filled with the urge to hide under the covers because oh my god he’d already said hi to her once that evening and saying it twice was weird and now she would think he was weird. But to his surprise she just nodded at him and closed the door. 

Connor was looking at him a little oddly. He looked away when Evan caught his eye. 

“We’d better head downstairs. Prepare yourself for this lasagna. You might have to hold my hair back again.”

Dinner went smoothly enough, with Evan keeping silent for most of the time in a desperate attempt to stop himself from word vomiting and embarrassing Connor in front of his family. The warning was true, Mrs. Murphy’s lasagna was truly disgusting, but he kept asking for more just to have something do to with his mouth instead of talk. By the end of the meal he was sure he was going to be sick, he was so full. But he’d made it through at least. Connor walked him to the door, holding it open. 

“I can walk you home, if you want,” he said. “I get if you want this night to be over as quickly as possible. I just thought you might, you know, not want to be alone. With the anxiety and all.”

“Thanks,” Evan said. “If you’re sure.”

“I am.”

The night was a cold and cloudy one. The two of them walked in silence. Evan felt almost disappointed that this would be the last time he’d speak to Connor. Even if dinner had frankly terrified him, he’d had a nice time talking with Connor while they sat on his dinosaur-covered bed. But he was sure he’d never want to be seen with Evan again. He’d made it pretty clear.

“Thanks, by the way,” Connor said as they neared the house. They stopped under the oak tree Connor had scaled the Saturday before. Evan was shivering.

“For what?” Evan asked.   
“For covering for me. And for letting me stay the night,” he said, sighing. “I'd have been dead if my parents had found me drinking.”

“My mom would be so mad if she caught me drunk,” said Evan, shuddering at the thought. “Be careful, okay? Drinking isn't good for your liver.”

“Good. I don’t give a fuck about my liver.”

As soon as he said it Connor’s cheeks colored. Evan had looked away, scared he’d made him mad. 

“No, not like that. Sorry, I shouldn’t talk like that. Especially around people I don’t know.”

Evan took a deep breath. “Are you okay? Like I know that’s a dumb question to ask but are you alright? You say things like that and about wanting to fall out of that tree and I don’t know. It’s worrying.”

Connor’s face went blank and he nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine Hansen. Sorry I shouldn't have mentioned anything. I just wanted to say thanks. You don’t have to talk to me after this, if you don’t want to.”

He’d started to back away, moving down the path towards the street.   
“Wait,” said Evan. “I liked talking to you. Do you, uh, want to come over on Friday? To sleepover. Like a real one this time, no climbing trees.” 

Evan felt like his throat was tightening up, afraid Connor would only meet him with rejection. But instead his eyes softened, seeming to grow wider in the darkness. 

“I’d like that a lot.”

“I would too.”

“I know.”

“Oh.”

They stood, Evan still shivering.   
“You should get inside,” Connor said. “It’s cold.”

“Y-yeah, it is.”

“I should head back.”

“Okay,” said Evan. He gave Connor a weak smile. “It was nice to see you. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” said Connor, and turned away. Evan watched him until he was out of sight before unlocking the door and going inside.


	4. Chapter 4

“I’m sorry, but _what_?” Jared looked stricken, even over the pixelated Facetime. 

“Connor’s coming over tonight. For a sleepover,” Evan said again.

“You know he’s going to kill you in your sleep, right?”

He sighed. “No Jared, he’s not going to kill me in my sleep. He’s a nice kid. I don’t know why you don’t just give him a chance.”

“Give him a chance,” Jared repeated, air quoting. “Dude, you’re insane. I wouldn’t let Connor Murphy anywhere near me, let alone in my house. Why did he want to talk to you the other day anyway? I didn’t know you guys even knew each other.”

Evan twisted the hem of his shirt, deciding to leave out the bit about dinner. “He just wanted his sweatshirt back.”

“His sw— Wait, you’re not saying _he_ ’s the one who was over at your house last weekend? Oh my god Evan how long has this been going on?”

“Just since last weekend. We’d never even met before then.”

“Jeez kid, I didn’t take you for the one night stand type. I thought you’d at least get to know him first.”

“ _What_?” Evan asked, his face flushing. “No, Jared, we didn’t do anything like, you know. Why would you even think that?”

Jared pushed up his glasses, smiling a little. Evan knew that smile from years of family friendship. 

“It’s obvious. Come on Evan, even I can tell he’s even gayer than you are.”

“I’m not gay.”

Through the computer, Jared waved a hand in dismissal. “Whatever, I’ve heard this speech before. If you even think about saying the words bi erasure I’ll hang up right now.”

It was a tempting offer, but Evan knew if he didn’t right this situation immediately Jared would never shut up about it.

“We’re not sleeping together,” he said, deciding not to give a lecture on the B in LGBT. “Don’t start telling people I’m sleeping with him. Because I’m not.”

“I should hope not. Not when you’re basically in love with his sister. Now that’s a path I’m sure you don’t want to go down.”

“Exactly. Although I’m not sure I’d say I’m in love with her.”

“I don’t know about that.”  
There was a knock on the door. Evan sat up and checked the clock on his bedside table. 

“Oh gosh, okay, he’s here. You should go.”

“Stay safe! Use protection! Savor the feeling of another man’s skin on your own!”

Evan ended the conversation by slamming his laptop closed. He swore under his breath quickly checked to make sure he hadn’t damaged it before going to answer the door. 

“Hey,” said Connor, his hands shoved in his pockets. It was raining a cold, icy rain, and he was shivering even beneath his sweatshirt. “It’s really cold, can I come in?”

“Of course!” Evan opened the door wider. “You’re soaking wet, you d-didn’t walk here, did you?”  
“Might have.”

“Oh my gosh, Connor, you’re going to get sick! Let me get you some dry clothes. Your bag is wet too. Wait here, I’ll get you a towel.”

“Dude it’s fine. I can’t keep stealing your sweatpants like this. I brought the other ones back but I think they’re probably soaking wet too.”

“You can hang them on the radiator!” Evan called from upstairs. When he came back into the kitchen Connor was pulling clothes from his bag and laying them across the heater. 

“They won’t catch fire or anything?” he asked. 

“Nah, my mom and I do this all the time,” Evan said, passing him the towel. “Why didn't you just drive here?”

“My dad took my car away, and I couldn’t get a ride from Zoe.”  
Evan bit his lip. “That’s rough, I’m sorry.”

Connor didn’t answer, just leaned forwards with the towel over his head and tried to squeegee some of the water out. When straightened up his hair fluffed out like a halo. 

“Where’s the bathroom again? I need to change.”

“Upstairs to the left," Evan said, and got out a hand towel to dry the floor where Connor had dripped. 

Well, he thought, this evening was getting off to an interesting start. 

“What do you want for dinner?” he called up the stairs. “Is Thai okay?”

In response Connor came galloping down the stairs on his impossibly long legs. “Yeah man how’d you know that’s my favorite?”

“It’s my favorite too. There’s a place a couple miles away that does deliveries. I have a menu somewhere…” Evan pulled open a drawer, rummaging through until he found the folded up scrap of paper. “Here.”

Connor waved it away. “It’s good, I’ll just have the Pad Thai with tofu. I can pay you back, I think my wallet’s soaked through but it's here somewhere.”

Evan shook his head. “No, it’s fine. Just c-can you order for us? I have the number I just have trouble ordering food on my own. Oh wow that sounds really sad doesn’t it? I mean I'm a senior and all I just get so nervous when I have to go to the door.” 

He took a deep breath, stopping himself. “Yeah. That’s all.”

Connor have him a long look, and Evan shrank a little, worried he’d come off as weird. But instead of saying anything Connor only stuck out his hand.

“Pass me the phone. I’ll call it in. What do you want to have?”

“I’ll just have the same as you. Are you sure it’s okay?”

“Yeah man, it’s fine.”

He handed the phone over, and waited as Connor dialed the restaurant to order. He spoke differently on the phone. Much more clearly and calmly. Evan realized he had been staring as Connor hung up and turned towards him. 

“There, the deed is done.”

“Thanks,” Evan mumbled, looking away. “What should we do now?”

“I don’t know, what do people do at sleepovers?”

“We could listen to music? I have a record player in my room.”

“You like _vinyl_?” Connor said, looking surprised. “Man, what a hipster.”

“No it’s not like that I don’t think it sounds any better or anything I just have this old player and a bunch of records and yeah we were going to throw them out but I said hey let’s keep them so I have them now. It’s not a weird hipster thing I swear.”

Connor held up his hands in defense. “Whoa, never said it was a bad thing. It just surprised me is all. Lead the way, I can’t wait to here what your music taste sounds like.”

Without thinking Evan reached out to take Connor’s hand. The boy stiffened, then relaxed and Evan felt his heart catch in his chest because oh gosh why had he done that? But it would be weird to let go now, so instead he turned and pulled him along up the stairs to his room. He didn’t see the soft expression on Connor’s face, or the flush along his cheeks. He was too busy hiding his own blush to notice.


	5. Chapter 5

Connor had never used a record player before, much to Evan’s dismay.   
“Everyone should know how to use one! They’re a classic part of the musical experience.”

He shrugged. “I’m not much of a classics guy. I thought you said this wasn’t some weird hipster thing.”

“It’s not,” Evan said, “I just like them. You know they have to be perfectly clean to run? No dust at all.”

“It’s kind of hypnotic to watch,” Connor remarked, his eyes fixed on the spinning wheel. “I could stare all night.”

“You’d better not. You’re going to have to answer the door when the Thai food arrives.”

“What? But I ordered it!” 

Evan shrugged. “You ordered, you get to hand the money to the delivery guy when they show up. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.”

“You’re a pain in the ass Evan, you know that?”

He stopped, biting his tongue, and Evan realized that this was the first time Connor had called him something other than ‘Hansen’.

“We’re on a first name basis, are we?” he asked.

“I should think so,” Connor said, laughing a little. “You’re the only friend I have.”

Evan swallowed. “I am?”

“You’re the first person to ask me over since sixth grade. Don’t tell anyone that though.”

“Y-your secret’s safe with me. If it helps, I only really have one friend as well. Two now, I guess.”

“You’re really racking up the numbers. Don’t let it go to your head,” Connor said. Evan’s smile was only a faint one. 

“I'll try not to,” he said, and leaned back against the wall to rest his head and let his eyes close. Connor was still beside him, all except for the slight beat he was tapping out on his knee. Evan could feel it against him.

They sat like that until the record ended, spinning endlessly on the final groove. Neither of them moved to change it. 

Then the doorbell rang, breaking them from their trance. 

“I’ll go get that,” said Connor. “Money’s on the counter, right?”

“Yeah, let me just put this away,” Evan got up, taking the needle off the record and turning off the machine. He watched Connor turn the corner and heard him take the steps two at a time.

Only when he was alone did Evan let himself relax. He felt the tension in his shoulders release a little, and set about cleaning up his bedroom. Connor was like a lanky hurricane, he left a mess wherever he went. After he’d straightened the sheets and put the records back in order, Evan followed the other boy down the stairs.   
“I helped myself to the milk in the fridge, I hope you don’t mind.”

“Not at all,” Evan said. “You have a mustache. Just bring your stuff into the living room, we’ll eat in front of the TV. I-is that okay?”

Connor nodded, still trying to lick the milk from his upper lip. He followed Evan through the door and sat beside him on the couch, pulling his legs up and crossing them. 

“What kind of shows do you like to watch?” he asked. 

“You’ll laugh, but I like classics as well.”

He was right, Connor did laugh. But it was kinder than usual.

“I’m not surprised,” he said. “Show me something classic, then.”

Evan bit his lip. Connor didn’t seem like a Friends kind of guy. He didn’t think he’d like MASH either. Scrolling through his Netflix history, he stopped on something that he thought would be perfect for the two of them.   
“How about this?”

“Star Trek?” Connor’s smile grew. “I fucking love this show man. I had the hugest crush on Captain Kirk when I was little.”

 _He likes boys_. Evan thought, and filed that information away for later. So Jared had been right for once.

“Me too,” he said. “Uhura as well.”

For a moment Connor looked as if he was doing a small calculation. Then his face brightened up and he took the remote from Evan’s hands. 

“Let me find my favorite episode. It’s the one with the crack flowers.”

“This Side of Paradise,” said Evan, without thinking. 

“Oh my god you’re such a nerd.”

“Hey, you said it was your favorite.”

Connor played it and they sat back, picking at their tofu with chopsticks. 

“Man this is fucking great,” Connor said after a minute. “I love tofu.”

“It’s not bad,” said Evan. “It doesn’t really taste like anything though.”

“I used to hate it. Back a couple years ago Mom got into all sorts of weird vegan diets. She’d cook us absolute shit for dinner every night. Tofu like rubber, I swear it was like eating a pencil eraser. But one night we went out to eat and she didn’t end up liking her food so I had it. And the tofu in it was great. I ended up sticking with the whole vegetarian thing.”

“You don’t eat meat?”

“Nope. For two years now.” 

“That’s pretty cool I guess. I don’t know, I really like animals and stuff so maybe one day I’ll do that too.”

“It’s nice, man. You know, as shitty as I am to people, I really like animals too,” Connor went back to picking at the noodles.

Evan had never been very good with chopsticks. He wasn’t now either, his hands were too sweaty and they kept slipping between his fingers. He let out a slight noise of frustration and Connor stopped to look at him.   
“Having a little trouble there?”

“No, no it’s fine. I usually just use a fork I just thought that maybe I should try to use the chopsticks for one. It feels wrong not to.”

“Here, let me get that for you,” said Connor, and expertly trapping the rogue tofu. He lifted it out of the box. “Open your mouth.”

Evan’s cheeks burned, but he did as he was told and let Connor feed him the scrap of soy bean. 

“T-thanks,” he said. Connor seemed to realize what he’d done and he turned away quickly. 

“No problem, Hansen.”

_Hansen._


	6. Chapter 6

Their tofu trays discarded, Evan and Connor sat cross-legged on the couch playing Uno. 

“Bam. Plus four sucker,” Connor set his card down firmly, his eyes gleaming. 

Evan ran a hand through his hair. “Ugh, I was so close to winning too.”

He pulled a couple cards from the pile, not bothering to see if he’d actually taken four. Connor seemed not to notice, and if he did he said nothing.

Yawning, Evan set his cards down. “I’m tired. Do you wanna go to bed soon?”

“You’re just saying that because you're losing.” Connor said, and fired out another plus two. Evan didn’t even bother picking up two more. Instead he leaned forwards and plucked Connor’s cards right out of his hands. 

“Why do you have all the good cards?” he asked, flipping through. 

Connor crossed his arms. “I told you, I’m an Uno legend. To truly know the game, you must first become the game.”

“That doesn’t even make sense,” Evan stuck the cards back in the box and turned off the TV. “It’s late. I don’t want you going home exhausted tomorrow. Then your parents won't let you come over again.”

“You’re kidding, right? I live off of four hours of sleep at the most,” He checked his phone. “This is ridiculous! It’s barely midnight.”

“Well I go to bed at nine,” said Evan. “It's better for you anyway.”

Connor cupped his hands around his mouth. “Live fast die young bad girls do it well!”

“Shut up and change into your pajamas.”

As he followed Evan up the stairs, Connor smiled. “You know, you’re really much better at this friend stuff than you think.”

“What do you mean?” Evan asked, pushing the door to his room open. 

“Look at you. You’re all witty now that I’ve gotten to know you. I can’t imagine you telling me to shut up a week ago.”

Snorting, Evan rifled through his drawers to find a t-shirt. “I didn’t know you a week ago.”

“Whatever, man.”

When he turned around Connor was dressed in only his Spiderman boxers, bent over to retrieve a grey shirt from his bag. Evan practically leapt across the room away from him, thankful that Connor was otherwise occupied and couldn’t see him blush. He swallowed hard, and turned away quickly, because a half-naked boy was more than Evan could handle. Jared always went to a different room to change, but Connor had stripped with such lightning speed it made Evan's mind wander to wear he’d learned that particular skill. Then he stopped thinking about it, because it made him a little nauseated to think of Connor’s probable past flings.

“Aren’t you going to change?” Connor asked, now wearing a shirt so big that it mercifully covered most of his superhero boxers.

“Yeah, I am, uh, right,” Just like that Evan was reverted to his stuttering self. One look at Connor Murphy and he was an absolute mess. 

“Oh, do you want me to turn around?” 

It was an innocent enough question but it made Evan stop in his tracks. Did he want Connor to turn around? There was a part of him that wanted Connor to see him. He wished he could play it off as casual, _oh I don't mind, watch me change and hopefully be impressed with what you see._ But Evan wasn’t that confident in himself. He opened his mouth to speak. 

“Uh, um.”

Fuck that wasn’t what he’d meant to say. And now Connor was giving him a weird look. 

“I’m going to go brush my teeth I think,” he said, and closed the door behind him.

Evan’s face heated with his blush as he undressed. What was going on? He’d been able to talk to Connor fine downstairs. He was going to blow it, wasn’t he? The only new friend he’d made since high school started and Evan would somehow manage to make things unbearably awkward between them.

“O-okay, I’m done now,” he said, wincing as his voice cracked a little. Connor pushed the door open. He’d put his hair back up in it’s topknot, making him seem even taller than before. It was like the star on a Christmas tree.

“I like your hair like that,” said Evan without thinking. He realized what he’d said and his gaze dropped to the floor. “Oh, um.”

Was Connor blushing a little? The boy busied himself with putting his toothbrush away, but there was a definite pinkness to his cheeks. 

“Thanks,” he said, a little too casually. “It keeps my hair out of my face, you know?”

Evan shook his head. “I’ve never had long hair.”

“Oh,” Connor shrugged and went to sit on the bed. “Well it’s a pain in the ass.” He patted the coverlet next to him. “I see you’ve changed your rocket ship sheets.”

“God, okay, I guess you probably noticed those last time you were here.”

“Yeah, they were cute. I like rocket ships.”

“I do too.”

Evan kept his distance, standing awkwardly in the middle of the room. This was uncharted territory. His eyes kept lingering on the spot where the loose neck of Connor’s shirt revealed the shadow of his collar bone. He swallowed hard, and crossed the room to curl up on the bed beside Connor. 

Evan assumed they were going to talk for awhile before he got up and went to sleep on the couch, but to his surprise, Connor reached over and flicked out the lights. 

“What are you doing?” he asked. 

“Going to bed,” said Connor.

He caught Evan’s wrist as he started to rise. 

“Hey, where are you going?” he asked, his voice softer than it had been. Evan tensed and Connor instantly let go. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to grab you like that.”

“N-no, it’s okay,” said Evan. He chewed his lip nervously. But it was a good nervous.

Connor pulled the covers back and wiggled his way underneath. He remained upright for a moment, and Evan realized the boy was waiting for him. Taking a careful, shaky breath, he lay down next to Connor and pulled the blankets over both of them. 

Evan had never shared a bed with anyone but his mother, which was information he would have died rather than shared at that moment. Connor didn't seem to notice, and curled up beside him, resting his head against Evan’s shoulder. 

“Thanks for inviting me over tonight,” His voice was already heavy with sleep. 

Evan didn’t reply, instead just listening to Connor’s breathing as it slowed. Before long the boy was asleep, his light exhalations warm against Evan’s skin. In the darkness, Evan blinked. His heart fluttered, and for a moment he worried that Connor would somehow be able to hear it while he was so close. Slowly, he started to relax, to become accustomed to the warmth of another body beside him. As he closed his eyes, he thought idly that maybe he could get used to sharing a bed. By the time sleep had grasped him fully, he’d decided that he never wanted to sleep alone again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My apologies for the gratuitous bed sharing.


	7. Chapter 7

When he awoke, Evan’s nose was smushed up against the soft warm skin of Connor’s neck. He opened his eyes, and tried not to jerk away in surprise. His body must have stiffened a little, because Connor moved in his sleep, pulling Evan closer unconsciously. He had an arm draped about Evan’s hip, his fingertips brushing the skin of his lower back. Staying frozen, Evan tried not to hyperventilate. He’d never been held like this before. He’d never even thought about being held like this before. Is that what people did? Just held each other?

Whenever Jared slung a heavy arm about his shoulder, Evan tended to shy away. He let his mom kiss him on the cheek, but he didn’t seek out affection unless he was really in a bad place. Connor though, the boy seemed to pull him in like a magnet. Evan hadn’t realized how comforting it could be to be pressed up against someone like this. It felt… natural. 

In his sleep, Connor wet his lips with the tip of his tongue. His mouth was slightly open, which Evan normally would have found gross because who knows what kind of germs could have crawled in there while he slept. But on Connor it looked almost cute. Cute wasn’t a word many would use to describe the local delinquent, but with his face so relaxed, and his hair starting to come out of his topknot, Connor Murphy looked adorable lying there. He’d completely let his guard down. 

“What are you looking at?”

Evan jumped. Connor seemingly hadn’t opened his eyes, or moved at all. 

“I wasn’t drooling, was I?” he asked. His hand moved from the small of Evan’s back, wiping at the corner of his mouth. The space his hand had been was cold for a moment.

“N-no. I was just—“ God, what had Evan been doing? Staring, that’s what. He’d been completely taken in by every curve of his friend’s. 

“Oh never mind. What time is it?”

Evan’s eyes flicked over to the clock on his bedside table. “Nine.”

“What? I don’t think I’ve woken up this early in years.”

“What about school days, Connor?”

Connor flapped his hand dismissively. “That doesn’t count. I’m not really even awake then.”

“We could go back to sleep then,” said Evan, a little more enthusiastically than he expected. There was something about the cold absence of Connor’s touch that he didn’t like. 

“Nah, I’m up now,” Connor sat up, dislodging Evan, and stretched. “Anything to eat?”

“Yeah I can make breakfast,” Evan watched as Connor took his hair out and redid the bun. He liked the idea of making breakfast for his friend. There was something hopeful about it, as if this was the first of many of these domestic mornings. 

Connor yawned and rested his head on Evan’s shoulder. “C’mon, I’m hungry.”

The house was quiet this early in the morning. Heidi had taken the night shift again, and had probably gotten in only a few hours before. When they reached the kitchen, Evan got out the big mixing bowl and the flour, measuring things out by memory. 

“What are you making?” Connor asked, lounging against the counter. 

“Pancakes. Oh jeez is that okay? You like pancakes, don't you? I figured you’d would because everyone likes pancakes. Not that you’re weird if you don’t like them I just meant most of the population does.”

“Yes, I like pancakes. Can you teach me how to flip them? I’ve never gotten the hang of it.”

Evan’s nervousness vanished and his lips quirked into a nervous smile. “Yes, I can teach you. I’m good at flipping them. My dad taught me when I was little.”

“Where are your parents?” Connor asked. 

“Oh, um my mom probably just got back from work. She takes the night shift at the hospital. And my dad isn’t here anymore.”

“I’m sorry. It must have been hard to lost him.”

Evan’s voice took on a slightly manic brightness. “No, he’s not dead. He’s just living with a new family now. He left when I was little.” 

His eyes stayed locked on where he was mixing the ingredients. Connor stayed quiet for awhile, chewing his lip in thought. 

“Fuck, I’m sorry,” He said after awhile, like it was all he could conjure in that moment. “I'm really sorry.”

Evan sighed. “It’s okay, it's old news. And it’s not like he’s a mean guy. He just found someone to love more. Can’t really hold that against him. He deserves to be happy too, doesn't he?”

Connor frowned. “No, I don’t think he does. Not if he’s willing to leave his own child. That’s a pretty shitty thing to do, even if he found someone new. Divorce is fine I guess, probably the best in some situations, but you have to have some responsibility.”

For a moment Evan didn’t reply. He hadn’t really thought about it that way. How could Connor, who lived the perfectly nuclear life, possibly understand? Yet somehow he knew more in that moment than Evan ever had. 

“I mean,” Connor continued. “You can’t blame yourself for him leaving. He made that choice, and the consequences are that he’s now a shitty guy, no matter how good he is to his new family. I know I probably shouldn’t judge, but I've gotta say that kind of behavior really makes me angry.”

It clearly did. He was gripping the edges of the counter so hard his knuckles were white. No one had ever said that to Evan before. His mother had told him that of course it wasn’t his fault, but deep down he knew she blamed her self so naturally he did the same. And here was a stranger, his first new friend in years, who somehow understood more than Jared did or his therapist, or the sum of everyone in his life who’d tried to tell him it was okay his dad had left. Of course it wasn’t okay. And for the first time Evan understood just how not okay it was. He found himself blinking back tears. 

By the time he ladled out the first pancake he’d gotten himself under control. 

“Come here. I'll show you how to flip the pancakes.”

Connor slunk over, looking a little chagrined at his own outspokenness. But dutifully he took the spatula and waited for Evan’s command. 

“See,” said Evan, “Those little bubbles haven’t burst yet, so it’s still to early to turn it over. The underside hasn’t cooked yet.”

Connor nodded. “Right. Let me know when I should.”

He was standing right beside Evan, their shoulders pressed together. It was just like earlier, when Evan could feel Connor reaching without moving, searching for any small way to touch without letting on how badly he wanted it. It made Evan smile a little. By the time Connor had successfully flipped his first pancake, Evan had almost forgotten about his dad entirely, too focused on whatever was growing here between the two boys.


	8. Chapter 8

Connor tugged on Evan’s royal blue scarf. “It’s tangled. Here, let me unwrap it.”

Slowly he unwound, his arms wrapped around Evan’s shoulders. Evan’s breath hitched in his chest. In the past few weeks he’d been seeing Connor more and more, much to Jared’s horror. They studied together in the library most afternoons. Well, Evan studied. Connor just watched Vine compilations and snorted with laughter every few minutes. Heidi had become increasingly curious about the new friend that her son was spending so much time with. She hadn’t outright said anything, but Evan knew she was dying to meet Connor. So to put her out of her misery he’d invited him over for the last night of Hanukkah. Evan had put on his best holiday sweater for the occasion, blue to match his scarf, with a white menorah. 

“I’ve never celebrated Hanukkah before,” said Connor. He hung his coat up, by now well accustomed to the Hansen’s house. “What’s on the cards for tonight?”

“Mom took off work specially for the last night. We’re going to help her make dinner. Sorry you can’t stay over.”

Connor flapped a hand. “Nah it’s okay. I feel bad we don’t get time off for Hanukkah as well. They call it holiday break but don’t even include all the holidays.”

“It’s okay. It isn’t even that important compared to other holidays. They just made it bigger so Jewish kids wouldn't feel so bad about missing out on the Christmas presents,” Evan said, taking off his snowy boots. He stepped carefully around the puddles of melting snow so that his socks wouldn’t get soaked.

“Are any of your other family coming?” Connor asked. 

Evan shook his head. “Since it’s during the week it’s kind of hard of them to bring all my cousins over. They live pretty far.” 

Their conversation was cut short as Heidi opened the door, her arms full of groceries. She shook the clinging snow from her hair. Evan hurried to take the bags from her, with Connor trailing behind a little awkwardly. He’d gone all stiff, standing up very straight with his hands plunged deep into his pockets. Clearly he was more nervous about meeting Evan’s mom than he’d let on. 

“Thanks dear,” said Heidi, shrugging off her jacket and hanging it up. “Could you just put those on the counter for me? Oh, and you must be Connor. It’s so nice to meet you, Evan’s told me lots of nice things about you.”

She crossed the room to greet him, and he stuck out a hand. Ignoring it, Heidi pulled him into a hug.

“I-It’s nice to meet you Mrs. Hansen,” He sounded a little muffled.

“Please, just Heidi is fine. Is this your first Hanukkah, Connor?” she asked. He nodded shyly. Evan tried not to smile. He’d never seen Connor struck dumb before.

Heidi continued, turning to start unpacking the groceries. “Well, we’ve got lots to do. Evan, can you start sautéing the onions for the latkes? I’ll peel the potatoes.” 

“You can help me if you want,” said Evan, taking Connor gently by the hand and pulling him over to the counter. Connor’s fingers laced tightly through his, squeezing. He stood a little closer than polite, just like he always did, and dutifully took the whole onion that Evan offered. 

“Can you peel that for me?” he asked. 

“Oh, I’m—“ Connor broke off, giving the onion a hard look. “I'll try.” 

“What? You’ve never peeled an onion before?”

“I don’t really cook. Except for pancakes now, I guess.” They’d made several batches of pancakes over the course of the last few weeks. He was excellent at flipping them now.

“It’s easy, just like this,” He let go of Connor’s hand and shelled one of the layers away. “Keep doing this until you get down to where it stings your eyes.”

“I thought that was just a myth,” Connor said. "I highly doubt an onion is going to make me cry.”

Jeez, Connor really had never been in a kitchen before, Evan thought.

“Just you wait,” he said, and got out the oil to heat up.

Heidi could chat to anyone about anything. As she shredded the potatoes and mixed them up in a big bowl, she talked to Connor about his SATs and which colleges he was applying to. Somehow, she managed to get more information out of him than Evan ever had.

“I’m probably going to major in English,” said Connor, whose eyes were now watering as he grated the onions. “I wanted to take a gap year and work at a library, but my parents wouldn’t let me. They said if I don’t hurry with my education, I’d never get it done. And that they wouldn't pay for me to waste a year of my life.”

Heidi scoffed a little, but hid it well. “That’s ridiculous. Not that I’m one to criticize another parent for their decisions, but if it seems like something you’re genuinely interested in then why shouldn’t you go out and get a feel for it?”

Connor nodded, emptying the onions into the bowl. “That’s what I said. And it would be local too.”

Looking over at Evan, Heidi reached out to squeeze his shoulder. “I’m glad Evan’s staying close for college. I don’t know what I’d do with him gone.”

Evan decidedly did not mention that it was is poor mental health keeping him at home rather than his own decision. He focused on measuring out the batter onto the griddle. 

“Do you want to flip them?” he asked Connor. His face lit up. 

“Of course!”

Heidi watched the two boys and smiled a slight smile that Evan had never seen before. He and Connor’s shoulders pressed together as they stood beside the stove cooking together. 

“I'll just set the table,” she said, and left the room. As soon as she was gone Connor tugged on Evan’s sleeve. 

“Do you think she liked me, Ev?”

“Of course she liked you. She likes everyone.”

He sighed, flipping a latke. “But did she like me for real?”

Connor's eyes still had tears in them from the onion. But past that was something more, a longing look that Evan hadn’t seen there before. It struck him that this was probably a very different holiday than what the Murphy’s celebrated each year. 

He nodded after a moment. “Yes, I think she really did like you. You’re the first person I’ve brought home to her in a long time.”

Connor looked startled by that. His mouth went into a little line, then softened. “You’re the first person to meet my family too. I don’t usually bring people home.”

There was something about the way he said it that made Evan’s heart speed up just a little. Then Connor’s eyes were back on the frying pan. 

“This one’s done,” he said. “What do you think?”

Evan thought a lot of things, but he only nodded in agreement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Evan is Jewish feel free to schedule a fight with me if you disagree.


	9. Chapter 9

Connor had a pair of yellow gloves pulled up to his elbows. He scrubbed out a pan with more enthusiasm than Evan would have expected. The boy said he wanted to get better at cooking, and that washing up was probably something he should learn. Evan had only had to show him a dish or two before he had picked it up on his own. The Hansen’s dishwasher had been broken for years now. Trying not to drop the plates, Evan dried them and carefully put away each one.

“Did you like the food?” Evan asked. Connor nodded, his mouth poking down at the corners in concentration. He was still wearing his grease stained apron, his hair tied up. It made Evan happy to see him this way, though he wasn’t altogether sure why. 

“I can’t wait to have those doughnuts after we’re done,” Connor said. “It was awesome that your mom managed to grab them from the bakery before they ran out. I like doughnuts.”

“Me too,” Evan agreed. “I like the filled ones. What are they? Boston Creams.”

Connor smiled and made a ‘mm’ noise. They fell into a contented silence as they worked, and there was something incredibly domestic between them. 

“Connor, you’d best be getting home soon. It’s a school night,” said Heidi, poking her head through the door. “I have the early shift tomorrow so I’m heading to bed now. Be sure to walk him home Evan.”

“It’s fine Heidi. Evan doesn’t have to,” Connor started. But Evan shook his head and nudged his elbow gently. 

“Of course I’m walking you home. It’s cold, you might slip on the ice.”

“But what about when you walk back. You might slip too.”

Evan considered this. “Yeah, I guess. But I’m much closer to the ground than you are, so it’s okay.”

Heidi snorted, ducking out of the room and calling out a goodnight. Evan put away the last cup as Connor rolled down the gloves and took them off. He flexed his hands, stretching them after the too-tight gloves. Evan had often noticed how long Connor’s fingers were. He had dainty hands, like a piano player. Not the sort that should be washing dishes, he thought guiltily. 

“Doughnut time?” Connor asked. Evan nodded and pulled out the bag. He and Connor sat cross legged on the kitchen floor, splitting the bag between them. Heidi hadn’t been hungry after the meal so they hadn’t needed to share with her.

“What a way to spend an evening,” Connor said, smiling. “This is just what I needed.”

“Me too.” 

“Do you want to try making our own doughnuts next year?” 

Evan smiled at that, glad that Connor was thinking long term. “I’d be game. I tried a couple years ago but it didn’t work so well.”

“We can try it again together,” There was something a little shy in Connor’s voice. Evan didn’t quite know what it was, but it felt a little out of place. To distract himself, he crumpled up the bag and got to his feet to throw it away. Connor licked his sticky fingers, making Evan cringe at the thought of all the germs he was eating. He washed his own hands in the sink with hot water before going to get his jacket.

“Did you finish all your homework?” Evan asked as they let the door shut behind him. The night was freezing. His breaths came out as little puffs when he spoke. 

Connor nodded. “Yeah, I finished before I came over. Thanks for helping me with history yesterday.” 

“No problem. I have loads of notes if you need to study. But you should make sure you take your own. It’s the best way to learn.”

“You know a lot about that stuff, don’t you?” Connor said. 

“What do you mean?”

“Like how people learn. You figured out I can’t pay attention during lectures.”

Evan’s lips quirked up. “Connor, that’s because I know you.”

“That’s not what I meant. I just meant you’re a good person to study with,” Connor stopped and reached out to take Evan’s hand. “Watch out there’s ice up there.”

His hand was warm as they laced their fingers together. Evan’s heart thumped in his chest. He felt words rising up in his throat, but didn’t know quite how to say them. They walked in silence for a few blocks.

“Connor,” he said finally, softer than he’d meant.

“Yes Evan?” The lower half of Connor’s face was obstructed by his checkered scarf, but Evan could still see lines of worry etched into him.  
“Can I tell you a secret. No one knows, not even my mom. Not even Jared.”

Connor’s breath seemed to hitch in his chest as they neared his front door. There were lights on inside, and Evan could see the outline of a Christmas tree in the window. He took a deep breath.  
“I’ve kept this a secret for ages. I was just worried people would laugh or something. Because I’m so pathetic and I don’t know how it could ever be real, but,” He shook his head, breaking off. “It’s dumb, never mind. Sorry.”

Connor stopped him, his other hand reaching out to catch Evan’s. They stood facing each other, on the steps of the Murphy’s house. Over the past weeks, Evan had grown used to meeting Connor’s gaze. The boy had beautiful eyes, with splashes of different colors across the iris. But tonight they seemed sharper than usual, as if he was trying desperately to say something with a look alone. Evan shivered, glad of the warmth of his best friend’s fingers locked in his.

“You can tell me anything if you feel comfortable enough to,” Connor said, his voice flat. Evan knew that was just how he disguised when something actually mattered to him. He blinked, his eyes welling up. But Evan didn’t let himself cry.

“Promise you won’t tell?”

“I promise.”

Evan cleared his throat. “O-okay. I’ve always wanted to be a teacher. I know it doesn’t sound possible, since I’m so nervous all the time and I can’t talk to people, but I’ve always wanted to help people learn that’s why I’ve been helping you so much with your work. It’s something that I love.”

Something in Connor’s body relaxed when he said that. Some of the intensity left his eyes, and he broke into a smile. 

“Oh Evan, of course you can be a teacher. I think you’d make a great one.”

He pulled Evan into a tight hug, resting his chin on top of his head. Evan inhaled the smell of him, warm and a little like cigarettes. He’d never liked the smell of smoke himself, but somehow it was comforting when it was Connor. The tears he’d tried so hard to push down spilled over and he sobbed quietly. 

“I-I’m sorry,” Evan said, feeling pathetic. “I've just n-never told anyone before and it’s such a relief. Do you really think I’d be a good teacher?”

“Yes, I really do. You’re so kind, I’m sure you could. And you’ve helped me so much, you're already great at explaining. You’re such a good person Evan. You’ve done a lot for me, even if you don’t always know it. My grades are so much higher than they were last year.”

Evan smiled, wiping his eyes and pulling away. “I just feel bad for my mom. Teachers don’t earn much. I always wanted to be able to support her.”

Connor shrugged. “You can still do your best. What’s important is that you’re happy with what you want to do. And—“

He broke off as the door opened and Zoe poked her head through the door. “Are you just going to stand out here all night Connor? Oh, sorry.”

She averted her eyes quickly, like she’d walked in on something she shouldn’t have seen. Connor stepped back quickly. 

“Can you not just mind your own business?” he asked, irritated. “I’ll be right in.”

Pursing her lips, she shut the door. Connor looked a little wilted, his shoulders slumped. Evan had mostly stopped crying. He only sniffled a little. It was far too cold for tears anyway.

“I should go,” he said. Evan nodded.  
“You should. But I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow,” Connor started to turn away, but stopped. He leaned forwards, not meeting Evan’s eyes, and planted a soft kiss on his cheek.  
“I’m proud of you, Evan,” he said quietly, and there was a slight smile curling his lips. Then he hurried inside, leaving Evan dazed and breathless in the cold.


	10. Chapter 10

The time was 2:16 AM on January 13rd. Evan lay on his back, staring at the ceiling. He'd gone to bed too early and now he was paying for it with insomnia. Wind crashed against the side of the house, rattling his window like Connor had the night they’d first met. On his bedside table, his phone lit up. He closed his eyes, waiting for the light to go away. After a moment it did. 

But then his phone lit up again, and again, and again, until Evan finally rolled over to see what was going on. 

(4) Messages from Connor Murphy

_Evan_

_Are you ip please be up_

_Tthere was a fight wiht my dad_

_Don’t know whhat to do_

Something jumped in his chest when he read the texts. Evan’s hands shook as he responded. He took a deep breath, his heart pounding in his ears. 

**Connor I’m here.**

**Are you okay?**

**Are you safe?**

_It’s nt that bad_

_I’m outsdie_

_*outside_

_Can I come in_

Evan flung the covers from his bed, taking the steps two at a time. He pushed the door open on the freezing night, a gust of chill wind shooting into the kitchen. Connor stood in front of him wearing pajama bottoms and a t-shirt. He was shaking, his arms wrapped around himself. 

“C-Connor? Are you okay? What’s wrong?”

Tears spilled down Connor’s cheeks. He was flushed from the cold. Evan tugged him gently inside. He knew now why his texts had been so misspelt, he was shivering badly. Evan felt his eyes fill with tears, more out of empathy than fear. The boy crumpled into him, folding in on himself until he seemed almost as short as Evan. 

“My dad,” Connor’s teeth were chattering so badly he almost couldn’t get the words out. “We argued over something dumb and I left. C-can’t even remember what we were fighting about.”

“That’s not important now,” Evan said, and he somehow managed to keep his voice steady despite the tears staining his cheeks. “We need to get you warm and dry.”

Connor nodded sleepily, letting Evan take him by his shaking, frozen hand and lead him up the stairs. He continued to shiver while Evan got him fresh clothes, which would actually fit this time because he so often left his clothing at Evan’s anyway that there was a ready supply available. He had his own drawer. 

But Connor was too sluggish to strip off his wet shirt, so Evan did it for him and pulled a warm t-shirt over his head. He blushed furiously as he helped Connor out of his dark jeans, which he practically had to peel off. When Connor was secure in his warm sweatpants, Evan got out every blanket he had and wrapped his friend in all of them. He paused, remembering how little body heat Connor had, then unwrapped them all and got into bed beside him before bundling the two of them up again. 

“Please don’t go sleep Con,” he said, prodding Connor's shoulder. “You’re not supposed to go to sleep when you’re cold. That’s what my mom always tells me and she’s a nurse.”

Connor nodded and buried his fact in the crook of Evan’s neck, plastering his icy skin up against him. Evan jumped. 

“Geez, you’re really cold. Why’d you storm off without a jacket?”

He shrugged. “Can’t remember. Some fight or something. It’s not the first time it’s happened.”

“Next time take a jacket. Or call me and I’ll get my mom to pick you up, okay?”

“There was no time, Ev. Please don’t be mad at me.”

Evan’s eyes went all round and he softened. “Of course I’m not mad. I’m just worried. I don’t want you to get hypothermia. It’s different in the summer but now, gosh, I don’t know what could have happened if I hadn’t been awake at that moment.”

“I could’ve climbed through the window I guess,” said Connor, his lips pulling into a little smile. 

“Not when you’re shaking like a leaf.”

Connor didn’t answer, his eyes flickering closed. Evan poked him harder this time. 

“Hey, what did I just say?”

“I knew you were mad at me,” Connor said, smiling a little more. Evan sighed in relief, because if Connor was awake enough to be a little shit then at least he wasn’t doing too badly. 

“Talk to me,” he said instead. “Tell me about what you did at school today.”

“You were there,” Connor protested, his words muffled by Evan’s shirt. “You know what I did at school today.”

“Okay, fine. But talk to me so I know you’re awake. Tell me about something you like.”

“I like how warm you are right now.” 

Evan smiled at that, and pulled the covers a little tighter around them.

“I like how soft your bed is. I like that you’re here and it’s not just me on my own in my cold, empty room,” Connor continued. Evan’s smile flickered as the thought of Connor alone crossed his mind.

 “And I like you too,” said his friend. “I like you a lot.”

Evan immediately tensed. He couldn’t mean that. Connor couldn’t mean it like that, in that way. Like _like_ like. 

No, Connor couldn’t possibly mean that. Evan must just have been kidding himself. He hadn’t realized he’d wanted to hear Connor say that. He was in a haze of sleepiness, of cold, of post-argument exhaustion. But as soon as it had left his lips something in Evan told him that it was exactly what he’d wanted Connor to say. 

“I like you too, Connor,” he said, after what felt like long, dragging minutes. 

Connor didn’t say anything. Maybe he was asleep. But judging by the feel of his skin, he was warm enough that Evan would let it slide. 

 _I like you too, Connor._ His own words rang in his ears like alarm bells.

When Evan had said he liked him, he hadn’t known what he meant by it. He liked Connor, of course he liked Connor. Connor was his best friend. His only non-family friend. But did he _like_ like Connor. 

The boy’s lips had fallen open. How had Evan never noticed how full they were? And they were so, so much pinker than any lips had a right to be without makeup. And how had he never seen how full Connor’s lashes were, how sharp the curve of his cheeks cut against the pillow? It felt like Evan was opening his eyes for the first time since Connor had climbed through his window. Suddenly Evan knew with earth shattering awareness just how much he liked Connor. 

Just how much he’d liked Connor all along and had never dared to admit to himself. 

Just how much he was going to like Connor tomorrow morning, when the boy was grumpy and tousled. 

Just how much he wanted Connor to like him as well.

Evan becoming increasingly aware of how close the boy was to him. His heart was speeding up, but he tried to moderate his breaths and bring himself back down. This would be an awful time for an anxiety attack. Connor shifted in his sleep, his hair tickling Evan’s skin. Without thinking, Evan leaned over and pressed a kiss to his temple, and Connor’s restless sleep quieted. 

He must have been a fool to have not realized before. Evan Hansen was completely and totally besotted. He knew it then as if it had been spelled out for him.


	11. Chapter 11

All in all, Evan handled his crush quite well for someone as sweaty and anxious as he was. When he reflected upon it the morning after Connor fought with his dad, he realized that these feelings were not new ones, and had spawned somewhere around the first minute or two of their acquaintance. What could he say? Evan had a weakness for tall, rakish, skinny-jean wearing boys with long curly hair.

Specifically Connor. He had a weakness for Connor.

As he watched the boy down his third espresso one afternoon, Evan wondered what to do. He couldn’t tell Connor, for obvious reasons. He certainly couldn’t tell Jared. Maybe he could get over this little crush on his own. 

“Do you want to take a bath with me?” Connor asked, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand. Evan spat his drink back into the cup and spluttered. Thankfully no one else seemed to have heard. 

“W-what?”

“I said do you want to take a bath with me?”

“You’ve had too many coffees,” said Evan. “Why would you even suggest something like that?”

“Just the other day you said how you wished you could get over this shower thing you have. You said it yourself, you’re a clean freak and that’s why you hate baths.”

“Yeah? I mean I guess that’s true.”

Connor shrugged, biting into a muffin. 

“I just thought if you really wanted to get over this germ thing, it might help if I was there too. Baths are nice. It sucks you can’t seem to enjoy them.”

Evan chewed his lip nervously. “I didn’t know you were such a fan.”

“I don’t get to take them every day. But yeah, there’s nothing better than a face mask and a bath. When I’m home alone I like to read in the tub,” Connor’s expression hardened. “If you tell that to anyone you’re a dead man.”

“Who would I tell?” Evan said. “Also, why would that ever come up in conversation?”

“Fair point,” Connor took another bite, his words muffled. “I don't know, if you’re down I thought we could pick out a nice bath bomb from Lush and use the big tub at my house. It would be a nice introduction. You can even wear a swimsuit if you like. Whatever makes you comfortable.”

Evan thought it over. He really did want to work on his germ problem. His therapist never seemed to have suggested anything particularly helpful on the subject. Maybe Connor was on to something. He tried picture his friend soaking in a bath, with a face mask on and cucumbers over his eyes, but somehow he couldn’t quite see it.

“I never would have pegged you as someone who likes that kind of thing,” Evan said finally. “I thought you’d think it was dumb or something.”

“It reminds me to take care of myself, you know? Like sometimes I’m just so tired and sad I feel like I could just let myself waste away. And when I feel like that I run myself a hot bath or paint my nails or something to keep myself grounded,” He leaned back in his chair, balancing it on two legs in a way that made Evan very uncomfortable. “If you’re not going to take care of yourself, then who is?”

“You take care of me," Evan said, not meeting his eyes. “And I like to think I take care of you too.”

Connor reached out and rested his hand on top of Evan’s. It looked like he’d only just painted his nails the day before.

“Of course we take care of each other. But there’s some things I can’t do for you. And I can’t always be there either. So it’s better for you to learn how to do somethings yourself. I can do things like make sure you’re emotionally alright. On the other hand, you’ve gotta dress yourself in the morning and put yourself to bed at night. I can’t do that kind of thing for you.”

Evan snorted. “How many times have I had to put you to bed because you were too drunk to do so yourself?”

“You know what I mean.”

He slipped his fingers through Connor’s and smiled. “Yeah, I do. I think it’s a great idea. We can go on Friday to Lush.”

Connor’s eyes lit up. “You’ll just love it there. They have so many types of soap! And they have skin care and face masks and bath bombs and it’s all made of natural stuff—“

Evan let him prattle on about the store. It sounded eerily familiar, until he realized this was the exact same speech Jared had made countless times before. He’d never paid much attention, thinking that there was no way in hell he’d ever have cause to use a bath bomb, but now he listened to Connor with interest. How many types of soap could there even be in the world? He’d always stuck to basic unscented ivory, nothing fancy. 

Across the table, Connor flicked his hair from his face, brushing it behind his ear. Evan caught a glint of something he hadn’t seen before.

“Wait,” he said, interrupting mid sentence. “Is that an earring?”

“So, you’ve finally noticed. I’ve had these for weeks.” Connor pulled the other side of his hair back to reveal one on the other side. “What do you think?”

Evan bit his lip. “They look, really nice.”

He’d never much cared for piercings before. Lots of girls had their ears pierced, and a few of the boys in the year above them had before they’d graduated. But Connor… They looked good on him. They made him look like a handsome 80’s punk singer when paired with his black painted nails and long, wild hair. And there was something awfully feminine about them that Evan enjoyed a bit more than he should have. Of course Connor couldn’t know that he thought that, could he? When Evan looked up his friend was looking at him oddly. 

“Do they really look alright?” He sounded a little shier this time. Evan nodded. 

“Of course they do. They suit you. A lot.”

Connor smiled, not his usual grin but something a little more delicate. His phone buzzed beside him on the table with a text from his mother. 

“I should probably go,” he said, glancing down. “Do you want me to walk you home? You’re right on the way.”

“Okay,” Evan said, standing up and wrapping his scarf around his neck. “If we hurry we can get home by dark.”


	12. Chapter 12

“Why’d you bring _him_ of all people?” Connor whispered, gesturing to Jared. “You know he hates me.”

“Don’t act like the feeling’s not mutual,” Evan said. “Just try to get along.”

Evan hadn’t planned on inviting Jared. His life was very much divided into three parts: time he spent with Jared, time he spent with Connor, and time he spent with his mom. There was little cross pollination, since Jared and Connor hated each other, and Heidi was at work for most sensible daylight hours. But he’d carelessly mentioned his Lush trip to Jared over Facetime the day before, and somehow the boy had managed to garner an invitation despite the fact that this was Connor time. Evan tried not to let anything interfere with Connor time. 

“I can hear you, you know,” said Jared, falling back into step with them. “I couldn’t miss Evan’s first trip to Lush, even if it means hanging out with the only kid less cool than he is.” 

Connor seemed to bristle, but Evan bumped their hands together as they walked. He usually responded well to touch. 

“How’d you talk him into it, anyway?” Jared continued, seemingly unaware of Connor’s reaction. “I’ve been trying to get him to come out here for years.”

“It’s not really any of your business,” said Connor, a little sharply. “But if you must know we’re—“

“He’s looking for some new conditioner,” Evan interrupted. Catching Connor’s eye, he shook his head slightly. 

If Jared found out that the two of them were going to take a bath together he’d have an absolute field day. Evan was a little sore about being called gay anyway, and this would just open up too many doorways for future teasing. Not that it was a secret that he liked boys or anything. Evan liked labels, and having decided that bi fit him well enough he was determined to stick to it. It was much easier to pin down all those confusing feelings when there was a word to describe them. Of course, Jared loved to tease him about it. 

“Gotta keep those luscious locks shiny as ever. I understand the struggle,” Jared said, running a hand through his own hair and knocking his glasses askew. “Hey, remember in eighth grade when you used to straighten your hair. Didn’t you have bangs too?”

“Jesus, do you ever shut up?” Connor asked. 

“I can see the damage from all those years of the flat iron. Maybe you should go with a nice buzzcut, you know, to start fresh.” 

“Absolutely not,” said Connor. 

“Please don’t,” said Evan, at nearly the same time. Jared raised his eyebrows. 

“You’re a fan of Connor’s hair then, Evan?”

Evan stuck his hands in his pockets. “I just don’t think a buzzcut is really his style.”

“Right, right. Maybe a mullet…”

Connor opened his mouth to say something, but at that moment they reached Lush. Evan cut him off by pulling him through the door, leaving Jared behind. He hurried after the two, looking annoyed. Evan let Connor guide him over to a big pile of brightly colored spheres. Jared started to follow, but was ambushed by one of the people working there. 

“See,” Connor nodded to the signs by the bath bombs. “You can see where everything was sourced. That way you know you’re getting the good stuff.”

His hand was on Evan’s lower back, the other gesturing to the merchandise. Evan could feel Jared’s eyes on them both, burning through him. He knew he was going to pay for ignoring Jared some way or another, subtle or not. It made him nervous to think of all the things his friend could do to embarrass him.

Evan tried to put his fears out of his mind, and carefully selected three bath bombs. Connor snatched the bags away before Evan could pay, and pushed in front of him at the cash register. 

“It was my idea to take a bath,” he said while Jared paid. “The least I can do is spot you.”

“You shouldn’t have,” Evan was blushing, gripping the bag tightly. “I could have gotten them.”

His fingers worked at the brown paper and he bit his lip. Jared was scowling when he came over. 

“Did you see that? The person who greeted me thought I knew nothing about luxury bath products. Ridiculous! I bet she follows my channel.”

“Everyone follows your channel,” said Evan, and patted him on the arm. “She probably didn’t realize she was in the presence of an expert.”

“An expert?” Connor asked. For the first time that day he actually looked at Jared with something other than exasperation. “You have a Youtube?”

“Yes,” said Jared, looking proud. “I do. It’s very popular.”

“He’s got loads of subscribers,” Evan chimed in.

“What’s this channel about? Soap?”

Jared scoffed. “Soap? It’s so much more than that. I make videos of myself eating bath products.”

He seemed to take in Connor’s horrified expression and quickly added. “It’s an ASMR thing. You wouldn’t understand. I like Lush because I can get away with eating their stuff and not throw up afterwards. It’s all natural.”

“I… had no idea that was a thing people did. I thought it was like slime and stuff.”

Both Jared and Evan looked indignant. 

“It’s way more than just slime!” Evan said. “Like there’s soap cutting too. That’s my favorite. It sounds so good.”

“And there’s crunching up bath bombs. People usually just cut them up but that’s for weaklings. Real men eat their bath bombs,” Jared puffed out his chest.

Connor looked taken aback. “What? You straight up eat bath bombs? Like foam at the mouth and stuff? God I knew you were weird. I’d expect most things from you Jared but even this is a stretch. I had no idea you guys liked this stuff.”

Jared looked pleased. “See Connor? Maybe you don’t know Evan as well as you think you do. You guys might be friends, but I’ve known him way longer than you have. I know all his dirty little secrets.”

Evan blushed. “What the heck Jared? You make it sound like I’ve got some dark and twisted past.”

"Maybe you do, Evan," Jared looked at Connor and winked. "But it looks like you'll never know."


	13. Chapter 13

Connor stuck his hand under the water and quickly pulled it out. 

“Ouch, that’s hot,” He twisted the tap to the right and plugged up the drain. 

Evan fidgeted as he watched his friend. “Are you sure your parents aren’t coming home for awhile?”

“They’re at some charity event. They’ll be out for most of the night. And Zoe’s at Alana’s so she’ll be gone too.”

Connor straightened up and tucked a stray strand of hair behind his ear. “You should choose which bath bomb you want. The bag’s on the counter.”

“I think I liked the blue one best.”

“Of course you did,” He sounded unsurprised. “Do you want to drop it in the bath?” 

Evan nodded. He was a little intimidated by how blue the bath bomb was. He was also intimidated by how clean the bathroom was, the size of the porcelain clawfoot tub, and the fact that Connor’s parents could in theory burst into the room at any moment. Or Zoe. He wasn’t sure which was worse. Although Evan had long abandoned his feelings for Connor’s sister, he still felt very uncomfortable around her during the best of times. Connor seemed to pick up on this, and they hadn’t hung around with her much. Or maybe it was just that he hated her, as he so often said.

“Here,” Connor handed him the bath bomb. “It’ll take a little while to dissolve so you might as well put it in now.

Evan clenched the little ball in his hands and took a deep breath. His serious expression made Connor smile. 

“It’s not that big a deal. Don’t worry so much. If you don’t want to do this you don’t have to.”

He steeled himself. “No, Connor, I can do this. It’s just a bath.” 

And before he could talk himself out of it he lobbed the bath bomb into the tub. It caused a bigger splash than he’d been expecting. 

“There,” he said. “Now I can’t back out because that would be a waste of a bath bomb.”

Connor laughed. “If you don’t want it I’d just use it myself. It’s no big deal.”

Evan didn’t respond, instead fixated by the blue bubbles boiling from the water. He stuck his finger gingerly into the water. When he drew back his skin sparkled slightly. 

“This won’t, like, stain me will it?” 

“Of course it won’t.” 

“Cool. Okay. Can you look away for a second while I get in?”

Connor nodded and turned away. Evan undressed quickly, making sure to put his clothes far from the tub in case they got splashed. He left his shirt on top to hide his stripy blue boxers. Then without ceremony he got into the bath. It felt odd to be standing in the middle of someone else’s bathroom completely naked. As nervous as he was he wanted to get under cover of the bubbles. 

Sinking into the steaming water was rather like getting in a hot swimming pool. Evan avoided pools as a rule because people peed in them and that was more than he could handle.

“I'm done,” he said, crossing his legs at the bottom of the tub. The water was opaque, thank goodness. He’d never really been comfortable even looking at himself naked in the mirror, so ge certainly wasn't ready for Connor to see him like that. He knew his friend could tell, and was glad he’d given Evan so many opportunities to back out, or say when he felt uncomfortable. 

Connor turned around and immediately began stripping off his sweatshirt. As was his custom, he wore nothing underneath, making Evan blush and duck his head. He knew the boy didn’t care whether or not he looked, but Evan was a modest soul. 

He looked up only when he felt Connor sink into the water in front of him.

“What do you think?” he asked. 

“I like it. It's not as bad as I expected. And it smells nice too.”

Evan twirled his finger in the foam floating at the surface. Connor smiled a little, watching him relax. Even though it was a big tub, their legs were too long to avoid being tangled. 

“I’m glad you feel comfortable enough to do this with me.”

Connor’s voice was softer than it had been, although around Evan he always tried to keep his voice gentle. 

“You’re the only person I would even think about taking a bath with,” Evan paused and frowned. “Wow that was the wrong thing to say, wasn’t it?”

That made his friend chuckle softly. “No, not at all. If it’s the truth than it’s never wrong to say it.”

There was something unspoken there, like his words should have been followed by another sentence. Evan swallowed and avoided his eyes, feeling as if Connor could somehow tell exactly what Evan was thinking. If he did, he said nothing, and instead let himself rest against the side of the tub. His knees poked through the top of the water, bubbles sticking to his skin. 

“What do you do in the bath?” Evan asked after a minute or so. “If I were alone I feel like it would be boring just sitting here.”

Connor didn’t open his eyes from his reclined position. “I just go on my phone sometimes. But mostly I read.”

“Of course you do. Are those yours?” Evan pointed to a pile of books that had been stacked a careful distance from the tub.  
“Yeah, those are mine. If you want I can read one to you while we’re in here. There’s one or two I think you’d really like.”

“Sure,” said Evan. “Pick your favorite and read me the first chapter. I want to know what Connor Murphy thinks I’d like.”

Connor sat up, drying his hands on a towel and stretching to pull a book from the middle of the pile. It wasn’t particularly thick, and had the look of one of the floppy paperbacks that Evan’s grandmother liked to bring on long car rides. 

“Pride and Prejudice?” he asked, surprised. “I didn’t know you liked stuff like that.”

"I love Jane Austen. I’ve always wanted to study English in college,” Connor sighed, his eyes staring off dreamily. Then he blinked and turned back to the book, opening it to the first page. 

“Ready?” he asked. 

Evan nodded, and Connor began reading. 

“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.”

“Even you, Connor?” Evan interrupted.

He shook his head, a smile playing on his lips. “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever wanted a wife. A husband for sure though.”

“You want to get married some day?”

“Of course I do. I need someone to share my books with," Connor’s eyes were still on the page. He was still smiling, but it was more bashful now.

“I thought you wanted to share them with me,” Evan said. 

“Maybe I want both.”

Evan’s heart jumped into his throat. Perhaps he was hearing only what he wanted to hear. Connor couldn’t mean it in that way, could he?

“I want to get married too!” He blurted it out without thinking, then shrank back a little. “That is, if anyone will have me. I think at this point I’ll end up alone.”

Connor finally looked up from his book. “Don’t say that Evan. I’m sure someone would want to be with you.”

Evan looked a little crestfallen. “I’m not sure. I wouldn’t want me.”

Frowning, Connor closed the book and placed it back on the pile. “No, I know for a fact that there are people who love you.”

“I mean, I know there’s my mom, and I guess my dad too…”

“There are other people.”

“Jared?”

At that, Connor snorted out a laugh. “You really don’t get it, do you Evan?”

“Don’t get what?”

That’s what Evan would have said. But instead when he opened his mouth to speak, Connor leaned in quickly and planted a kiss on his lips. His eyes widened as he looked at his best friend in shock. 

“W-what did you do that for?”  
“I did that because I like you,” Connor laughed again, shaking his head. “My God, how have you not figured that out yet?”

“You l-like me? I mean I knew you did, because we’re friends and—“

“No, I mean I love you Evan. Like not as a friend. As more than a friend. And I’ve loved you for so long.”

Evan didn’t know what to say. His lips were parted in surprise in a way that made Connor stare at him with more longing in his eyes that he’d ever seen before. 

“I—“ Evan broke off. “Oh Connor, I don’t know what to say.”

“If you don’t like me too, that’s okay. I don’t want to force you or anything.” Connor’s calm facade was starting to crumble. There were tears welling up in his eyes. “I didn’t mean to ruin everything. Just please tell me if you feel the same.”

He was crying? Evan had so rarely seen Connor cry that it instilled a panic in him. He reached out, desperate to comfort the other boy, and in trying to wipe away the tears from his cheeks, Evan’s wet hands only made things worse.  
“Connor, please don’t cry. I love you too. Of course I love you, did you not know?”

Gulping, Connor shook his head. Evan smiled weakly, and leaned in to kiss him. It was quick, because Evan had only had one kiss on the mouth in his life and it was the one Connor had just planted there. It was all too much. He felt his own vision blur with tears as he leant his forehead against the other boy’s chin.

“Well, the t-truth is I do love you. I love you so much, more and more all the time—“ He stopped, so nervous he could feel the bile rising in his throat. “Oh no, we’re doing this wrong, aren’t we? You're not supposed to tell someone you love them, just that you like them. And then you say it later on, don’t you? Well in that case I like you. But I guess I already told you the truth so there’s no point in lying. Connor, I’m in love with you.”

“Me too. In love with you, I mean. Not me,” Connor’s words tumbled out over one another, but this time he was smiling. Evan could feel him smiling against his skin. 

“You’re rambling Connor.”

“I sound like you, don’t I?”

Evan laughed, and the tears finally pushed out of his eyes and down his cheeks. “What are we supposed to do now?”

“I have no idea,” Connor said. “I’ve never done this.”

“I'm too nervous to kiss you again.”

“Then you don’t have to,” he said, stroking Evan’s hair gently.

“C-can you keep reading to me? You never got past the first line. I think I need a little bit of time to calm down,” Evan said, pulling away and scooting back to his end of the tub. Connor nodded and picked up the book again. 

“Of course I can read to you,” he said. “If you want me to.”

Evan nodded. “I do want you to.”

“Okay, where was I?” 

“The first line.”

“Right,” Connor said, and cleared his throat. “I-it’s a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife,” He paused, and let himself smile. “Or husband, in some cases.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Years. They finally kissed.


	14. Chapter 14

The first time Connor kissed him set of fireworks in Evan’s chest. They hadn’t stopped since, and every little touch reminded him of it. The two of them stayed soaking in the bathtub long after the water had cooled, while Evan slowly lost himself in the sound of Connor reading. He was sleepy when the other boy finally closed the book and made the executive decision that it was time for Evan to go to bed. Usually, it was Evan who had to take care of Connor, in moments when his friend couldn’t find it in him to look after himself. It was Evan who helped him comb through his hair when his thoughts were dark and he couldn’t bring himself to do it on his own. It was Evan who texted him in the morning to remind him to take his meds. But now it was Evan leaning sleepily against the counter while Connor squeezed Colgate onto a toothbrush and handed it to him. 

“Did my reading bore you that much?” he asked, smiling.

“Of course not,” It was too muffled to be audible, but Connor seemed to understand all the same. He reached out to brush Evan’s hair back from his eyes, but his hand faltered, waiting for a sign that it was okay to touch. After how overwhelmed Evan had felt earlier, he was glad he respected his space. To Connor, touch was important, but Evan mattered far more. That being said, Evan wanted to be held more than anything just then, so he butted his head against Connor’s hand and let the boy run his fingers through his hair. 

After a moment, Evan pulled away and spat out his toothpaste, rinsing out his mouth. 

“Can we go to bed soon?” he asked. 

“Whatever you’d like.”

Connor pushed open the door to the hallway and let Evan through. He turned off the light behind them, stopping in the doorway to his room. Evan was curled on the bed, too tired to even untuck it. His eyes flickered closed, and when he opened them next Connor had crossed the room and was bending over him. 

“Move over,” he said, judging the boy gently. Evan wiggled to the edge of the bed and Connor scooted in beside him, pulling the covers over both of them. He flicked off the lights and ducked his head under, so it was like a little tent with just the two of them. The bed was so small their noses almost pressed together. 

“Did you really not know?” Evan asked after a minute. He blinked, and his eyelids did nothing but change the texture of the dark.

“Know what?”  
“That I, you know, like you,” Embarrassed, Evan thrust his face into Connor’s shirt, hiding although neither boy could see anything. 

Connor bit his lip. “I don’t know, I always thought you'd never love someone like me. Someone, like, fucked up and stuff.” 

He felt Evan smile against him. “Connor do you know what your contact name is in my phone?”

“No?”

“It’s ‘Evan’s Sexy Boyfriend’ with six eggplant emojis. Jared changed it like a month ago and I couldn't bring myself to change it back. I guess I liked the idea of you as my boyfriend too much.”

Connor felt his face redden. His face split into a grin that he was glad Evan couldn’t see. 

“Did you now?” he said, trying to keep his voice steady. Evan nodded, then pulled away and rolled onto his back. 

“Oh man,” he said, staring at the ceiling. “Jared’s never going to let this one go, is he?”

“No,” said Connor, “No he is not.”

But inside he couldn’t have given less of a damn about Jared. What mattered is that Evan had admitted that he liked the idea of Connor as his boyfriend. Connor could feel his heart fluttering in his chest, like there was something trapped inside him. 

“So, I take it you don’t have anything against me being ‘Evan’s Sexy Boyfriend,’ do you?” he asked, feeling his pulse speed up as he did so. 

Evan was quiet for a moment. “No, I have no problems with that.”

As Connor fished around for something to say, Evan kept going. 

“Hey, do you know what your sweatshirt’s made out of though? The one from the first night you climbed into my room.”

“Polyester, I think. Why?”

Evan squirmed beside him. “I don’t know, it just kind of felt like boyfriend material to me.”

Rolling his eyes, Connor couldn’t help but chuckle. 

“How long have you been waiting to make that pun?” he asked.

“A long time,” Evan admitted, and rolled over to plant a soft kiss on Connor’s cheek. He pulled back and sighed. “I missed.”

“What?”

“I was aiming for your mouth.”

Again, Connor let out a laugh, although this time it was more nervous than exasperated. He reached out, feeling in the dark until his hand brushed Evan’s. Twining his fingers through the other boy’s, he brought his hand to his mouth and pressed his lips to Evan’s palm. Although he couldn’t see the blush, Connor could feel the warmth coming from him. He let Evan reach out ever so slightly to trace around the edge of his lips with his index finger, mapping out Connor’s face through touch rather than sight. Evan drew back his hand to lean in and kiss Connor again.

Unlike the first time, this kiss was slow and unhurried. Evan had swallowed most of his nerves by now, although he could feel something stirring in the pit of his stomach. It didn’t feel like anxiety though.

In his life, Evan had seen three types of kisses. 

There was the kiss to the cheek or forehead that his mother gave him after a long day at work. He’d shared a few of those with Connor over the past few months, despite the fact it was clear now they both wanted more. 

The second type was what he’d seen his father give his mother: quick, chaste kisses of formality rather than affection. They were kisses of necessity, kisses that never bothered to linger or explore. 

Finally there was the third kind. He’d watched The Notebook with his mother years ago, and for the first time he could remember, Evan had seen an open mouthed kiss. At the time he’d flushed and hidden his face in the pillow, embarrassed to even be _looking_ at two people sharing such intimacy. He’d sworn to himself that he’d never do that sort of thing with anyone, telling himself that a kiss like that was too germ-filled and messy for a boy like him. And now, all those years later, Evan let himself relax, pushing his worries from his mind and letting himself melt into Connor. 

After a minute, he pulled back to rest on his elbows, blinking. His eyes had adjusted somewhat to the darkness and he could see the outline of Connor’s breathless face. Light from the streetlamp outside caught his jaw, running along his pale skin. His lips were parted just a little, and his eyes were wide and full of something Evan had never seen. He let himself smile, and burrowed back into Connor’s side. Earlier it felt as if there was something unspoken hanging between them like a raincloud. But now in the silence it felt as if everything had been said. He listened Connor’s breaths slowed, until both of them drifted off to sleep.


End file.
